The other day I was waiting in line for what seemed like hours while the customer in front of me argued about the price of a stalk of celery. Apparently she believed that it should be marked down, because there was brown stuff on the part that she could have cut off, but said it would be unfair to ask her to do such a thing. I guess she believed that she was the celery queen? Before I got out of the store, I thought I’d go insane listening to her complain, but instead I patiently waited, like a saint. I don’t know why people act so rude sometimes, and if I had a dime for every time I heard someone say, “That’s not fair,” I’d be too rich to care how rudely they complained. If I had the guts, here’s a list of ten things I’d say today to that lady, and I use the term loosely, who believed that she was the queen of celery.

1. Excuse me, but will you please go find a life so that I can get through this line?

2. Forgive me for intruding, but if you don’t mind, will you please stick that celery where the sun never shines?

3. Pardon me, but you appear to be someone I know who died recently.

4. Hey, by the way, you have brown spots too, so did it ever occur to you that your celery isn’t moldy. It’s just old, like you.

5. I’m sorry to bother you, but you see, my life is passing me by while I wait in line, so will you please move along so I can get on with my life?

6. After tapping her shoulder I’d say, “I couldn’t help but notice that growth on your behind. Maybe you should see a doctor, but oh, never mind. Now I see that it’s only a huge chunk of cellulite.

7. You know, celery can be dangerous to your health, especially when someone like me impatiently hits you over the head with it.

8. I’d pick up the store’s microphone and scream over the intercom, “Security, please remove celery crazed lady from isle three.

9. I’d explain that there is no stalk of celery worth all this, so please either buy it or stick it in your ear so you won’t hear me scream, “Get out of here.”

10. I’d say, “Why don’t you check in to a loony bin where people like you are happy all the time, no matter what their celery looks like.