Sarcasm Alert: 10 Unspoken Comebacks for Rude Customers

Have you ever worked in retail? How about food service? Anyone who deals with the public on a daily basis has likely experienced the full range of customer personalities, from coarse to courteous.

What is it about becoming a paying patron or a credit-carrying customer that transforms us into boorish brutes in banks, restaurants, stores and other outlets? Is it possible that individuals may forget to recognize the humanity of the people in logo-imprinted uniforms? Might some of those same people not be the folks who share our neighborhoods, our schools, our clubs and our churches?

Rudeness obviously does not justify rudeness in return, as tempting as it may be. Still, just for fun, let’s consider some snappy comebacks that employees might secretly wish to use with the rudest of customers.

Imagine these potential scenarios. Perhaps you have even experienced these sorts of customer rudeness personally. (Let’s hope none of us have actually dished out such boorish remarks to deserve snappy, though unspoken, employee retorts.)

Warning: These snappy comebacks are better considered than actually spoken. The results could be less than optimum.

The Line-Cutting Complaint

What might an aggravated employee say to a customer who whines about a line jumper?

Customer: “That jerk just cut in line ahead of me.”

Employee: “He’s been ahead of you a lot longer than you could possibly imagine.”

The Big-Shot Threat

What witty comeback might an employee wield, when confronted with a self-appointed bigwig?

Customer: “You wanna keep your job, buddy?”

Employee: “Actually, I won the lottery last month, and I am a mega-millionnaire. I only work at this place because I love it.”

The Unoriginal “S” Word

Uh-oh. What can a staffer say, when a customer utters the dreaded “S” word?

Customer: “What are you, stupid?”

Employee: ” Uh . . . uh . . . I just don’t get it. (Drop everything, and walk away.)”

The Broadcaster

Sometimes, the most tactful turn is simply to ignore rudeness. However, some monumentally rude customers may not get the point. What then?

Customer: “Are you even listening to me?”

Employee: “I cannot hear you until the voices in my head stop interrupting.”

The Impatient Patron

Occasionally, a simple statement may be just right, when a customer makes a gross exaggeration in impatience.

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here forever.”

Employee: ” Forever isn’t over yet.”

The Know-It-All

Is the customer always right? Is rudeness ever right? How might a frustrated customer service staffer respond?

Customer: “The customer is always right.”

Employee: “Yeah! Right out the door!”

The Interrupter

Does a heightened sense of self-importance spur some customers to rudeness, or might the problem be even more deep-seated?

Customer: “Can I get some help here?”

Employee: “You’d be better off with a real therapist.”

The Critic

The rudest questions may prompt the most obvious answers. Can a rattled employee really hold back from responding thus?

Customer: “Can’t you do anything right?”

Employee: “Apparently, I can tick you off.”

The Clock Watcher

Since when did customers punch time clocks while shopping?

Customer: “Hey, I haven’t got all day.”

Employee: “Well, you haven’t got a clue, either.”

The Boss Caller

When all else fails, and public rudeness persists, a little creative name-dropping (or nepotism) may be in order.

Customer: “Get me the manager.”

Employee: “OK. Hey, Daddy! We’ve got another one!”

Caveat Emptor (Customer Beware)

Of course, no one is advised to actually speak these smart-alecky, though often true, statements aloud. Such a practice might prove hazardous to a person’s employment and possibly his or her physical health. Still, the temptation may exist.

Does anyone feel better now?

Actually, by considering the potential snappy comebacks, perhaps we may all become more polite and considerate customers. After all, what employee isn’t also a customer somewhere, after punching out?