“She’ll be right, mate, the drongo’s got a bad case of the trots, but a bit of the amber fluid and its all apples.”

If this leaves you scratching your head and wondering what language the speaker is using, be reassured it is English - as practiced in the Land Down Under. Aussie slang is a mixture of local idioms, Cockney rhyming slang and the odd word thrown in just to confuse the tourists, but it is not an unbreakable code. For example, the comment above simply means that some fool (the drongo) has diarrhea, but its nothing a cold beer can’t cure, and everything will be fine again.

When Australians say hello, they are not asking if you feel giddy, they are just saying ‘G’day”. You must remember that when it comes to speech, Australians are inherently lazy. They love to shorten words. A barbecue becomes a `barbie’ (who has time for all those darn syllables?), so don’t think someone is offering to show you their doll collection. Another way to shorten words is to add an `a’ or an `o’. `A cup of tea’ becomes a `cuppa’, and visiting Salvation Army personnel hear themselves referred to as ‘Salvos’. Remember that when you are asking directions to the nearest HQ.

When ordering in a cafe, you may get a `sanger’ instead of a sandwich. A `Pav’ is a dessert concoction of meringue, cream and fruit that you might know better as a Pavlova. An `esky’ is that polystyrene box you put cold drinks in, otherwise known as an Eskimo Box. If you are offered a `chockie’, say yes unless you hate chocolate.

But it’s not all about abbreviations. Some terms take quite a few syllables to say but they remain unshortened because they are part and parcel of being an Australian. At breakfast you may be offered cackleberries. Stay calm, it’s just eggs - chickens cackle and berries are - well, sort of small and round - get it? Out in the country, someone may direct you to the `thunder box’ when you want to go to the toilet. Let’s not go into the meaning of that.

Keep your ears peeled for the occasional insult. Being called a `dag’ does not indicate an Aussie admires your dress sense. Dags are the nasty bits that hang off a sheep’s backside. Your clothes are not up standard, mate. On the other hand, if an Aussue says, `nice daks’ you can smile and accept the compliment. Your pants pass muster.

Irony is another facet of Australian slang. If you have red hair, they’ll call you Bluey. If you have blue hair, they’ll probably call you Red. A stubbie is a small bottle of beer, but a Darwin Stubbie (sold in the Northern territory) is a lot bigger - still meant to be drunk in a sitting though. ‘Hoofing it’ doesn’t mean jumping on a horse, it means walking.

Well, I’ll be nicking off now (going away) - might have a flutter (bet) on the neddies (racehorses), got a dead cert (good tip), then head for the waterhole (pub) for a bit of the amber fluid (beer) and then hit the sack (go to bed). Hooroo (so long).