Get That Target Off Your Back For Good: Terrific Tips for Family Scapegoats

Scapegoating, particularly in a family context, is one of the most difficult life situations a person can encounter. A notorious coping mechanism for dysfunctional families, scapegoating involves singling out a member, typically the truth-teller, and pegging them as the source of all that’s wrong with the home (and world.) The subsequent blame, shame and rejection often leaves the scapegoat reeling.

So what to do when your nearest and dearest decide you’ll make fantastic target practice? Here are a few tried-and-true tips:

1. Hold Tight to the Truth. Your family is sick. If you did fit in, that would be scary in itself. The fact they need to pounce on you is their issue.

2. If This is an Abusive Situation, Do What You Can to Secure Outside Help.
If the abuse is “invisible” (e.g. mental and emotional battering) and authorities are unable to act, do all you can to surround yourself with positive friends and role models. This might occur in a church setting, in a club, with a school counselor or some other route (please note not all churches, clubs, counselors, etc. are created equal nor are necessarily healthy. Use common sense and your intuition!) Spend as much time as possible in supportive and life-affirming settings.

3. Examine Yourself Thoroughly and Honestly. Are you engaging in obnoxious behaviors, e.g. assuming a self-righteous role or blurting truth your family may not be ready or willing to accept? If so, use wisdom. Remember not to “cast your pearls before swine” because, like it or not, you may be hanging with pigs.  (see To Avoid Being a Target (In a Peer Group) @ http://www.cinderellajones.com for more information.)

4. Pray. Turn to your “Higher Power”, a God of Love and Grace. If You Don’t Believe in God, Seek “Good Orderly Direction.”  Safeguard your spirit, daily asking for protection, provision and wisdom on the best way to handle your family. Ask for good friends, people who will build you up and not tear you down. Ask that your mind and heart be protected from bitterness and negative expectations and, most of all, ACTIVELY EXPECT GOOD THINGS, including financial success, love and friendship. Speak these things out loud (see The Artist’s Way located in Resources @ http://www.cinderellajones.com for a step-by-step explanation on how to work with affirmations.) Getting involved in a healthy church community or social group is another powerful antidote to the devastating effects of scapegoating. In the meantime, keep it as positive as you can and trust that better days are coming.

5.Take Care of Yourself as best you can. Journal. Jog. Eat well. Do yoga. Take classes you enjoy. Nurture yourself!

Note: Don’t be dismayed if, at this point, you feel completely lost to yourself and don’t even know what it is you enjoy. This is typical of scapegoats. The Artist’s Way, even for people who don’t consider themselves creative, is an excellent resource for helping recover a sense of self, including discovering or recapturing your life vision.  See Resources @ http://www.cinderellajones.com for more information.

6. In the Meantime, Know You’re Not Alone. Take time to read through http://www.cinderellajones.com and check out Scapegoats. Realize there is hope!

7. Take it a Day at a Time. There will be a time you can escape the madness. Already, however, by virtue of your not accepting the lie, you are freer than your family members. Take some comfort in that. See - The Plus Side @ http://www.cinderellajones.com for more information on what you’ve gained. 

8. If You’re Angry at God and/or at Yourself, Confess It. Yell, scream, curse. God (and you) can take it. Accept grace anyway. See Transforming the Inner Man  in Healing Resources @ http://www.cinderellajones.com for some gut-level and fascinating resources dealing with these issues.

9. Get Your Mind Off Yourself and your problems whenever possible. Volunteer. Get involved with a community center, old folks’ home, neighborhood garden, political rally, et al. While the reality is scapegoats require a lot of love and patching up, it is equally true that when someone is proactive, love will follow. Give and you will receive… acceptance, friendship and practical help. Do not, however, neglect to nurture yourself and do the things that give you life. Remember no one can give from an empty cup.

10. Conversely, Give YOURSELF the Love, Acceptance and Support You Wish your Family Would Give You. Goofy as it sounds, look in the mirror, hug yourself and say out loud, “God loves me and I love me, too.” Do this 20 times a day if you have to, until it really sinks in. Spoil yourself with small treats and otherwise delight the child within. Taking time to nurture yourself will only make you stronger and better able to overcome the effects of scapegoating.

11. Realize This is a Journey. Healing takes time. Don’t be frustrated if you’re not “cured” from all your issues overnight. The trauma more than likely took place over years, so offer yourself grace.

One woman from El Salvador, whose entire family was massacred by the infamous Death Squads while she was forced to lie in her father’s blood and play dead to survive, put it like this, “Throughout the course of life, your heart is riddled with arrows. If God were to remove them all at once, you would bleed to death. So instead he takes them out one by one.” This faith-filled woman went on to become a cancer researcher, mother of 5 and beloved wife, but her turnaround was anything but overnight. Understand your arrows may be being removed one by one. 

12. Finally, even when convinced you’re in the deepest, darkest, most hopeless pit possible, Remember This Truth: “This, Too, SHALL PASS.”  As Khalil Gibran, the Lebanese mystic and philosopher famously wrote, “The deeper the hole sorrow carves into your soul, the more joy you can contain.” See The Plus Side, Continued @http:// www.cinderellajones.com for the entire passage.

13. Finally Check Out Resources  @ http://www.cinderellajones.com and avail yourself of the tools there. Theophostic Ministry is an  especially helpful resource in helping to overcome problematic patterns in life, including deep-seated addictions and fears.

For more resources on overcoming and conquering the effects of bullying, scapegoating, blame, shame and rejection, see the Community and Healing Resources link http://www.cinderellajones.com. In the meantime, mazel tov on your new journey!