I was, and am currently, the daughter of a preacher. My dad entered the ministry when I was five, and the following sixteen years were rich in experiences of the life of a pastor’s child. I can say to you with confidence that there are certain misconceptions church congregants tend to hold, consciously or not, which need to be dispelled for the sake of the children still growing up, as it were, behind the pulpit.

Your Pastor’s Family Does Not Think They Are Perfect

It is important to know that there is an absolute and very specific expectation of how a pastor’s family members should speak, behave, perform and reply in every moment of life. There is no ‘Sunday church face’ followed by life lived normally through the week. His family must, and does, strive in earnest to mind even the tiniest behaviors.

It is understood, whether or not it is ever stated, that to misbehave in any way, shape or form can negatively impact, or even destroy the preacher parent’s ministry. Furthermore, these expectations were likely made clear when the pastor was ‘hired’ by the church. Even the unspoken expectations are loudly understood and followed religiously. (No pun intended.)

The pastor’s family truly has no thought that they are anything more than servants. It is perception which is so subjective. The ‘must be done with a smile and a happy heart’ part of this expected behavior is what makes people believe the pastor’s family surely must think they are morally better than everyone else. The stark reality is that they are often the loneliest people you will ever meet because too often they have been maligned, sneered at or mistreated, and unlike ‘regular’ people, there is very often no close friend that it would be ‘okay’ to vent these frustrations to outside of the pastor parent. Even close family members too willingly share this skewed view of ‘better-ness’ and join in with punishing behaviors that are unearned.

PK ‘SHOULD’s

Preacher’s children grow up under an overwhelming sense of ‘should’. This misconception is so strongly practiced in a thousand subtle ways that it is instilled in the children subconsciously. It manifests itself as the pressure to always do or be ‘just right’, backed by the fear of harming the family ministry or reputation, and fortified with the uneasy feeling that despite all best efforts, you are actually still so very wrong and should always be ashamed.

These dreaded ‘should’ pressures apply to nearly every aspect of the children’s lives. I have included a sample list to show you what I mean. (The term ‘pastors kids’ has been shortened to PK.)

1. PKs should know all Bible verses by heart. (paralleled by being resented for winning memory contests)

2. PKs should know how to find every verse in the Bible, no matter how obscure the book. (paralleled by being resented for Bible winning drills)

3. PKs should know how to predict your mood and respond accordingly before you ever approach, regardless of either party’s age.

4. PKs should assume it is their job to rush about replacing hymnals in holders after services and cleaning up after dinner fellowship hours. (only two of dozens of little jobs that could be listed)

5. PKs should know every member by name and be current on their lives so as to appear friendly, caring and involved.

6. PKs should know by heart every event, both planned and in planning, and all pertinent information in case they are asked. (they think they are so smart, don’t they)

7. PKs should be able to provide Scripture-based comfort or a ‘right’ answer to any situation presented them by any other adult or child, but also may be held accountable for any wrong advice or information given, with punishment to be approved or disproved by the higher-ranking faculty. (They must behave well and know the right answers, but then are smugly referred to as taking on airs. Yes, we hear your offhanded talk about it. Nobody seems to try to really hide their disdain. A reaction we would never be allowed to show you ourselves.)

8. PKs should show respect to all individuals, using ‘Mr.’ and ‘Mrs.’, then listen politely to criticism about this dated habit and exit afterwards with ‘thank you’ and a smile.

9. PKs should listen to criticism of the church, either parent and all siblings from any person who offers it, and should also have a polite and acquiescing proper response when the owl-eyed gaze pins them down after the verbal assault.

Do you get the idea? This list could go on into a novel, for as many ways the child is pressured into feeling. There are several misconceptions that can be addressed even in the few items listed.

1. Your pastor’s children are not qualified counselors at any age! Do not use them as a sounding board, and especially do not tell them your adult problems! Should you find yourself in need of counsel, long or short, address the parents or some other qualified individual! Knowing where to find verses and having a child’s understanding of how to apply them to life is in no way a qualification to address your divorce, infidelity, insecurity or any other issue!

2. Complaining about the clergy parent and/or the sermons is not acceptable! PK’s and their non-clergy spouses have absolutely no part in the sermon preparation of the minister, no matter which member decided (and spreads horrid, false rumors) that the wife or children run the home. To complain about the pastor and/or sermons is more than just unkind, it is flat-out rude and unacceptable. If you have a problem with anything related to the minister, go address that problem in person!

3. PKs are not hired along with the pastor! The wife and children (or opposite, in cases where the wife is the clergyman) were not added to the payroll, no matter what assumption aged and venerable members of the pulpit committee have. Services by the spouse and children are to be rendered willingly, based on capability and desire, and at the sole discretion of the parenting team.

Recognize the work your pastor’s spouse and children do for what it is, a service of their own hearts to the Savior and not an on-demand service subject to the whims and wills of every breathing congregant. We did much as children, and heartily. We were only too often rewarded with complaints instead of kindness.

4. It is most important that every person in the church, small or great realize the PK is the child of, and only of, his parents. It is not okay to discipline these children, verbally or otherwise. If the PK parents called down your kids the way you do their children, you would throw a fit. Ninety to one hundred percent of church members are only too happy to tattle as it is so if you have a problem, address the parents, not the children.

5. Your pastor’s children are not responsible for a single word he utters over the pulpit! Like many men, my father entered the ministry young and nave. He had much to learn about what it is and is not overstepping his bounds to say in the pulpit. This was a natural process, and some people suffered or were embarrassed, but it was never, never the fault of my mother or of myself and my siblings. Yet, who paid the price of his inexperienced words? Who were berated, shunned and mistreated? Quite right, we all were. Please recognize the humanity of your pastor and his family. They are learning as they go, and the lessons the pastor needs to learn should not be taken out on the backs of his wife and children.

Do you begin to see why this article is so necessary? There is a world full of antagonistic church members out there carrying a chip on their shoulder that would punish even small children for any number of reasons. It is a hidden and secret form of abusing innocence, and should not be tolerated. Were this article title to involve the abuse so many preacher’s wives take, I would go on.

There is a deacon or two, and several entire families I would love to sit down with and say “You hurt me! You hurt us, and you were wrong! We never thought highly of ourselves; we felt under-appreciated and over-used. You almost killed my mother from your demands, and still you railed at her in hateful words time and again! You made our world one full of unearned shame! I felt unworthy of love and friendship; I also felt I must earn it in a million gestures and actions that are now second-nature from years of habit.

The reality is the world is full of pastor’s children (and wives) who have bent weary and confused under the verbal, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse of the very people they serve willingly, though unasked. Children who grow into adults that resent their parents for blindly allowing people to mistreat them, and who, underneath the smiles and behind the beautiful voice or dutiful service feel that they are worth absolutely nothing to anybody in the world and that they are always at fault and will always be wrong. There is so much hope, and so very much shame that is born with confusion. Nobody bothers to tell the pastor’s child that they are worthy of unconditional love. That is a tragedy because every child deserves to hear that.

Had my parents fostered these same ideas in the home, I am not certain I would have survived the experience. I was a young adult when I realized how truly cruel it all really was, and it rocked me to the core. It took about two years to quit reeling from the hurt, though I never quit serving the Lord for a moment. I would still give the nth of my life to have the ability to be full-time in the physical service of the Lord at my husband’s side.

I do enjoy returning to the church my father raised us in so I can see that handful of people who were genuine, undemanding and truly appreciative, and the family members who attend there. It was in this church I adopted a woman to fill a role in my life that was not adequately filled at the time by those who held the title. She is my lighthouse to this day, a warm beacon of love and welcome to my soul. I cringe at heart when I have to come around any of the other members who seemed to have a mission of punishing us for whatever it was they imagined was our crime. Fortunately, the majority of them no longer attend there, so any meeting with them is about the town and quite accidental.

I do not say these things to disprove my statement that we did not think we were better; indeed, I recognize and have always openly owned up to my own shortcomings. I think the world needs a Savior that fathers the fatherless and raises up the weak and weary. Nobody wants or needs a God whose only change to your life is to make you superficial and self-righteous. That is not my God. That is not the true God.

Too often people punish the pastor and his family for trying to live an existence dictated by specific expected behaviors. There needs to be found some balance and certainly a lot more compassion. Perhaps this article will even out the sides a bit and help bring that about.