“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” -  P. J. O’Rourke (Boulder Therapist.com)  Believe it or not, this represents an attitude towards sexual decision making in some people’s lives, but can be a basis for intimacy?   Being intimate with another person does not always involve being sexual, (or having a Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible).  The sharing of one’s hopes, dreams, demons, and fears have provided satisfying intimate relationships with others, which can been more fulfilling than sexual relationships.  This is not to say that a person will remain celibate for the life, however, decision making and value system can matured to the point which it is no longer necessary be involved sexually to be loved and accepted.

Growing up during the 70’s provided me with aspects concerning sex without the benefit of marriage as becoming a social norm among the youth.  This attitude was totally opposite to my family upbringing in a Christian belief system compounded by the Catholic religious doctrine of sex.  That is the teaching that sex was to be only in marriage and basically only for the pursuit of procreation.  I was as a young woman, should I engage in sexual activity outside of marriage and actually enjoy sex; I was committing a sin against God and society as a whole.

The doctrine hindered my sexually activity for a short time during my adolescent years; even though I was the “last virgin on my block”.  The belief that my boyfriend would remain faithful if I had sex with him was the motivation for me to be sexually active, although it proved to be untrue.  As respects to the issue of bearing a child out of wedlock, the birth control pill was the ideal form of birth control for me. This was not in line with my mother’s philosophy that “the only true form of birth control is to abstain”.  In retrospect, while her philosophy may have been true, it was my choice to avoid bearing children or to abstain from sexual activity.

Prior to my journey into being an active sexual adolescent, my sexual identity went through several changes. I grew up in a large Catholic family and I was the first daughter after three sons. There were two more daughters and one more son born after me. When my youngest brother was born, my oldest brother was 16, which gives the indication of how close in ages we were.

My gender identity was related to my three older brothers.  I was not interested in dolls or other female toys, I would much rather play with army men or climb a tree.  In those days army men were plastic green toys shaped as various army men with guns and your imagination was the battlefield; dolls were plastic babies that you could dress and undress with activities being imagined. Up until I was around ten years old I was considered a “tom-boy”; then I received my first feminine toy I related to, which was the Barbie Doll. While the psychological aspects associated with this doll may have shaped my gender identity towards being female; I would have to say the physical expectations which the doll represents did harm to my self-esteem concerning my self-imagine not measuring up to compare with the Barbie Doll. This may have been the point in my life which conforms to the ‘Cognitive-Developmental Theory’.

“Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg (1966) proposed a cognitive-developmental view of gender typing. From this perspective, gender typing is not the product of environmental influences that mechanically “stamp in” gender-appropriate behavior. Rather, children themselves play an active role. They form concepts, or schemas, about gender and then conform their behavior to the gender concepts. These developments occur in stages and are entwined with general cognitive development.”

I became aware of my gender identity as a female and found that being feminine is not a sign of weakness or that being strong is not necessarily a male-only trait. Therefore I found a way I could relate which was to be psychologically androgynous.  In the book, Human Sexuality in a World of Diversity it states, “People who are psychologically androgynous may be capable of summoning a wider range of masculine and feminine traits to meet the demand of various situations and to express their desires and talents.”

My sexual orientation and my gender identity have shaped my perspective concerning relationships with men as being somewhat difficult.  My attraction to men include being handsome, strong, protector, provider, and affectionate. Traits that I have developed in my own personality include being my own provider, strong-willed, competitive, and assertiveness.  While my desire to be a “people pleaser” may attract a man to me in the beginning, my strong personality that eventually emerges would usually cause conflict in the relationship. This aspect, compounded with my illness of addiction, would usually attract a man that was also an addict and usually abusive. The result being that most of my romantic relationships have been unhealthy and have not produced a satisfying love life in general. The style of love which I most relate to is from the Greek concept of “Eros” or “romantic” love style. Combine this with possessive, excited love, (sometimes referred to as mania), has produced in my life what I consider a “flaming desire that eventually goes out”. A balance of Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love which includes intimacy, passion, and commitment, when equally balanced produces “consummate love”. This is what I have always perceived as the ideal love relationship to be.

By taking an honest look at my sexuality orientation, the “how and why” of the development of my views on sexuality, and understanding my feelings today about sexuality has been extremely beneficial.  I have come to realize that I am not as unique as I once believed myself to be, nor as common as the next person.  A person’s sexuality is as different for each person as their thumb print, one of a kind.  And while mechanical devices such as the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible may be arousing, it most likely is not as sexual arousal as some people may believe.