Roles and gender identities seem to be all over the place these days. Welcome to the 21st century. Traditional roles are those envisioned in a time that never really was. In the mid century of the 1900’s there came a golden time between messy wars where women, for a brief moment in history were able to be home-maker, mother, nurturer, and home economics director. Even then, many women, most of our mothers and grandmothers, had wage-earning jobs, often part-time. Prior to that time, men were indeed primary wage earners, but this is because they had legal claim to not only all possessions, but to the children and any shared property. 

Traditional roles back to neo-lithic times envision men as hunters and women as mothers. In reality, both shared hunting and gathering tasks, and today in the most primitive “traditional” societies, women are expected to do much, much more of the grunt and toil work than men. It is true that women are primarily mothers, but now that women live routinely to ninety plus years, child-bearing is hardly a full lifetime career of diapers and drudgery. Men, now take on a bit more of that responsibility, and many choose to not have children at all.

But in mid-twentieth century life, average women for the first time ever were expected to keep house without servants, and to not necessarily be servants themselves. Of course, women of color were, and still are, given servant roles, although now, they too, should be entitled to choose to be wives and mothers if they want that sole occupation. So far, most of us have never heard of such a person.

Today women are slowly filling the ranks of all occupations, and doing well, from plumbers to astronauts.

The word traditional brings to mind the way things have always been. Thank God that is no longer the case. A wife-beating stick was legally advised to be no thicker than a man’s thumb. Women were more often the victims of rape, pregnancy, ostracism, poverty, and prostitution. Men were breadwinners, and were never really expected to be thoroughly on board with the monogamy thing. A woman good enough to marry did not want sex. A woman bad enough to sleep with, was not good enough to marry.

With notable exceptions such as Queen Elizabeth I, (Recall what Henry the eighth did with wives who did not produce male heirs) most kings, popes, priests and any persons with authority were male. With notable exceptions, most women were non-paid household workers, who more often than not also contributed to the family business, tailoring, baking, coopering, fishing, tinkering, and so on.

Today there is more progress in younger people openly expressing disgust with outdated bias of both sexism and homophobia. There is, at the same time a conservative backlash on the far right which seeks to dismantle all the personal freedoms and reproductive rights society has fought for over a long span of history where traditional often meant outright misogynistic.

What role does love play in societal progress, or in politics? The simple answer is that personal values do matter to people who love. Values such as hope for equality, fairness, and justice, in health, education, and the workplace do count for something. People will add someone with these values on their short lists of what they look for in a partner, and in their lives.

Not everyone feels this way, that is true. Some people still fervently need to believe that men need to be masters of women. They see no reason why a woman would want equal status or pay, unless she just wants to overturn the very foundation of civilization, which they see as family. That women and family have always worked outside the home, or for wages, is just an inconvenient fact. For such “traditional”  women, they long and yearn for the prince they heard tales about showing up, taking control, slaying all dragons, and adoring her forever.

Nevertheless, more than 50 percent of coupled partners are now unmarried.   Ever wonder why it is not: “Man and woman, or even Husband and Wife.”  rather than be pronounced “MAN and WIFE”. It is seldom said as man and woman, but still: “man and wife” as though men remain men in marriage, but the woman has a whole new service role. Or as my own mother always said, “The most valuable thing a person could ever have is a wife; how do I get one?”