It takes a measure of maturity to reach the place where we really understand that it is mostly not about us. That is, the first, and for the most part, only frame of reference we have, is our own experience.  Before we can have compassion for another we need to have some idea what pain and difficulty are so that we can recognize it in another.  

Then as the saying goes, you cannot give away what you have not first received.  Thus to be compassionate, it is helpful both to have experienced some discomfort and also to have received compassionate support from others.

Having said this, the next step to understanding how to be compassionate is to know that our experience is never identical to another’s. It is not helpful to say something like, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Nor is it helpful to say, “The same thing happened to me.” It didn’t.  However, something similar has happened to you and this is what has sparked the feeling of compassion within you.

Often times showing compassion is not a matter of doing anything. It is first of all just coming along side. It is being a companion. We say by our presence, “You are not alone.”  The next good idea is to remember the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You might try helping in ways that you have been helped. However, at the same time recognize that this may not be helpful. We don’t all cope in the same way.

Maybe you are an extrovert and it was helpful for you to talk it out. However, your friend or family member maybe an introvert and just need space and quiet. Being compassionate for them might mean you just need to be present but quiet.

On the other hand compassion may mean you can do any number of things. You could run errands, make meals, pick up the kids, drive to the hospital, or accompany them to the lawyer’s office. The point here is to observe and listen to what they need and want and not to decide what is best for them.

Finally, to be really compassionate, remember that healing, physical, mental, and emotional, takes time. For example, it is commonly thought that it takes about five years to really move on after a divorce. The loss of a child is something people don’t get over, but learn to live with day by day. Let your compassionate be faithful not only for the moment but for the long term as well.