Catherine Rampell cited, in an article for New York Times.com, many interesting statistics and facts that showed Americans preferred to have a boy child over a girl child. Yet her last phrase is possibly the most revealing when it comes to the subtle underlying drive to prefer a boy; fear.

“Or maybe some other risks that come with having a daughter — such as unplanned pregnancies — weigh heavier in Americans’ minds when thinking about this question.”

The fear that a girl child will come home with an unplanned, probably unwanted pregnancy is something that the North American culture is utterly afraid of. This fear is not a secret, in fact this fear is hidden in plain sight. Not unlike subtle racism, the fear of having a girl child is embedded in our culture through popular sayings, misconceptions, stereotypes, media coverage and urban legends. There is fear for girls, of girls and certainly a deep-rooted fear for having a girl child. The fear is not with having a girl child herself, the fear is in the physical abuse that girl child will probably encounter in her lifetime. Every rape, every attack, every abduction, pimp and even every boyfriend she may ever have plagues our society with the birth of every daughter. It is this same fear that causes mothers and fathers and non-parents alike to utter phrases like, “I’d rather have a boy; you only have to worry about one prick on the block.” This thinking implies that girl children are not safe outside the home because the block they live on is probably filled with sexual predators. The fear in that statement also implies that boy children will inevitably grow up to be these same sexual predators that parents of girl children are so afraid of.

This fear for girl children comes from the absurd and archaic belief that men are beasts, animals who simply cannot control themselves or their sexual urges. Which we all know as untrue. The majority of men today are kind, loving and respectful. Yet the popularly used phrase, “boy will be boys,” describes and dismisses negative behaviour as seen in boys, and reinforces this contemptible fear that they cannot control themselves nor behave properly. This mindset also reinforces the idea that the man’s right to sexual release is more important and more valued than the sexual health and well-being of women and girls. This fear also perpetuates the thinking that women and girls have no sexuality, and if they do women and girls should be and must remain controlled and pure in their actions. Yet how can we as a society hold the dual and opposing belief that men are uncontrollably sexual and women are chaste beings with no sexual drive to speak of? This duality reinforces rape culture because under that belief how could any woman agree to or even want something like consensual sex, which, under that same belief, is exclusively men’s, not women’s. This unattainable and unsustainable fear-based duality is further confused by the over-sexualization of women and girls in the media. The media goes so far to imply that women and girls are there for sexual reasons and that men should think of them in a sexual way.

Wait, so let me get this straight, we believe, as a society, however subtle, that men are uncontrollable sexual predators with a right to have sex with women but those same women should remain pure and chaste, even when we parade them around half naked in public and on TV? Yes. That’s exactly what we believe. But no one will ever dare come right out and say it. They’re all more comfortable just wishing for the birth of a boy.

The birth of a girl child marked with this hidden, but real fear, leads to a continued vulnerability throughout her life. According to dosomething.org “someone in the US is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.” It also states that “1 out of every 6 women in America has been the victim of an attempted or rape in her lifetime.” No wonder expecting parents are afraid to have a girl! No parent would wish such horrors on any child.  The problem is, like subtle racism, this fear is rarely acknowledged nor understood. How can we begin to bring about a solution to this issue if we refuse to see it for the danger it is? We have all done an amazing job keeping this fear unnoticed. I believe it’s because no one wants to admit being a part of this subtle sexism. However, we continue to fight for women’s rights, both at home and abroad which means we recognize that there is a problem, a threat to women, that needs to be addressed and confronted. We also understand the need to continue to move towards gender fairness, especially in these modern times. But until we change the dual thinking that leads to fear of the birth of a daughter, the safety of our girls and women will continue to remain in jeopardy. We will only continue to fight symptoms of a much greater and deeply hidden problem. The desire to have a boy child may seem inconsequential but the reality of it’s existence perpetuates the myths of men’s and women’s sexuality and causes discreetly distinct damage to the fight for equality between men and women.

So what can we do? Some believe that the fight for equality and women’s issues are for women to deal with alone. Yet the abuses being committed against women are being committed by men. Again, this dual thinking that women’s issues are for women alone proves irresponsible and detrimental to the progress made by the women’s movement.  The right to safety is something men and women have in common.  Will we continue to raise our boys with the context that they are doomed to become sexual predators demanding sexual release from any or every women they encounter? And raise our daughters with fear and worry that she will be taken advantage of all the while doing nothing about the problem?  Or will we raise our children to become respectful, kind, loving, fair people? Our fear of having daughters imperceptibly continues to create a place in our society where sexual abuse and assault on women is acceptable, even expected. If we ever have a hope to end the violence against women it lies in the jokes we repeat, the myths we indulge in, how we think, what we say and how we raise our children.