There are many kinds of vampires, some more sexy than others. A vampire is sexy in the popular mind because he or she sups on the intimate stuff of our bodies without genital play. The most common vampire in literature is the vampire that sucks blood. There are other vampires though. They are sort of geeks, freak show, sideshow kinds of vampires. They are the undead who suck the life out of living beings by unsexy means. The sebaceous vampires belong to that clan.

Sebaceous vampires live off wax, hence their name. Sebacum is the latin word for wax. Candles are made from it. Didn’t your mother swab your ears and say, “I can make a candle out of this?” The contents of your ears are a sebaceous vampire’s means to stay alive. They are waxy and wane in complexion. They occupy one of the lower rungs of the vampire hierarchy’s ladder. Who wants to brag that they suck ear wax for a meal? Despite that, they exist and they thrive.

Sebaceous vampires don’t have pronounced canine teeth. They have long tongues, all the better to get into the tight spots they desire. If you wake up in the morning hearing better than you did the night before, you may have been visited by a sebaceous vampire. If your Q-tip comes up empty, a sebaceous vampire may have visited your bed, unknown to you. If a doctor puts an otoscope in your ear and says, “You have very clean ears,” you might suspect you have a regular, nocturnal visitor.

Sebaceous vampires haven’t been written about much. Who can craft a sympathetic story about a revenant that sucks wax out of a victim’s ears? Where’s the drama? They are afoot in the dead of night however. They are alll around us. People dismiss a bad, overenthusiastic date by saying they had no class. “He put his tongue in my ear straightaway!” Maybe it wasn’t lust but a different kind of hunger. Strange beings walk the night, the sebaceous vampire is one of them. Would you deny a fellow traveller a meal to keep the night rollicking if it cost no more than a clean ear? Many people do because a tongue in the ear carries a creepy feeling for the recipient. Is it creepier than having your neck bitten so that it bleeds?

The sebaceous vampire is a relatively harmless kind of vampire. He or she can still be a pain in the neck. Cuddling one can still result with uncomfortable feelings most people like to avoid. No one likes thier eardrum tickled to distraction. The sebaceous vampire is rarely welcomed on a return visit through an open window. Not a blood-sucker, the sebaceous vampire is just a sucker. More are born every night than anyone realizes.