JAPANESE AMERICANS AND WHAT THEY SHARE IN COMMON WITH EACH OTHER

You eat tomato jiru (noodles with bacon in tomato sauce) after school. You refer to sweet and sour fried chicken wings as “Chinese” chicken. You try to speak Japanese to people from Japan but only end up embarrassing yourself. You refer to Caucasians as hakujins and African Americans as kurochans when talking to other JA’s. You refer to sweet and sour pork as pakkai. Around New Year’s you go to your relative’s place to make mochi. Your parents don’t consider Americans of Italian, Spanish, Greek, and other dark complected people of European extraction as “real” hakujins (see 4).

You always insist to Caucasian friends at parties to drink as much alcohol as they want. You wore zoris everyplace as a kid but haven’t dared to wear them as an adult. You put mayonnaise on broccoli, spinach, and asparagus as a kid. Japanese friends are amused by the way you eat with chopsticks, drink tea, and slurp miso soup. Soul food is rice balls stuffed with tuna flavored with soy sauce. You can tell if an actor is JA if he speaks Japanese with an American accent. You cringe at the way Japanese are portrayed in old American movies. You stay at home on Pearl Harbor Day.

You use Japanese words for dirty or embarrassing terms. You rooted for bad guy Kenji Shibuya in the old wrestling days. You consider American style Cantonese food as real Chinese food. You know the difference between banzai and bonsai. Your grandparents thought it was cute if you tried to speak Japanese to them. You sang childhood songs in Japanese but didn’t know what they meant. You remember the beginning of the movie, “From Hell to Eternity,” but never watch it to the end. You remember the little guy with the pet pig in the movie “Go for Broke.” You laughed uncontrollably as a child at Jerry Lewis in the movie “Geisha Boy,” but now are too embarrassed to watch it as an adult.

You don’t consider Japanese players on MLB teams as JA’s. You remember the smell of your aunt’s sushi in your car during long trips in the summer. You know that Ann Curry and Amy Hill are half Japanese. You know that Dean Cain is one-fourth Japanese. Your parents loved child actress Jenny Tu even though she is of Chinese descent. You hated the way Miyoshi Umeki spoke in the movies and TV. You use the Japanese word “ne ne” when putting your kids to sleep. You prefer visiting Europe to Japan.

You know that football player Scott Fujita is not of Japanese descent even though he has a Japanese surname. You know the correct pronunciation for futon, daikon, tempura and sashimi. You were embarrassed to bring Japanese food to school as a kid. You refer to inarizushi as brown bags. Before there were Asian food stores, you bought Japanese food from a traveling food vendor. You associate Ricardo Montalban with samurai movies not “Fantasy Island.” You know Wayne Newton’s ex-wife is JA. You know Billy Dee Williams’s ex-wife is JA. You associate Pat Morita with being the “Hip Nip,” not the movie “Karate Kid.” You know Jack Soo is not Chinese.

You eat bacon fried gohan (rice) for breakfast. Every year you went to a gardeners’ picnic. As a child you sang the children’s song about dancing raccoons and sang “makeru ne” as macaroni. You remember the scene where the dog is carrying a severed human hand in his mouth in the movie “Yojimbo.” The two things you remember about the movie “Roshomon” is Toshiro Mifune scratching himself and the scared little Buddhist priest huddling in the rain. You remember the little toy that came with the Botan rice candy. Before you ate with your relatives, you said “itadakimasu.”

Your parents went to the cleaners run by a JA family. Your mother made tempura with wheat flour instead of rice flour. You eat sea bass sashimi and also cook it in miso soup. You remember eating seaweed wrapped around a small fish. You know that actress Miiko Taka is not her real name and that she is not from Japan. When you visit relatives you haven’t seen for awhile, you give them a box of manju. Your parents liked to prepare a bowl of ochazuke (rice with tea) as a late night snack. You know that Sessue Hayakawa is Japanese and SI “Sam” Hayakawa is Canadian.

You know that congressman Patsy Mink is of Japanese descent. You know the small plum okayu is sour not sweet. You refer to persimmons as kaki. You dressed up in a kimono as a little girl for the Obon festival but never have worn one since. As a kid you could make a crane in origami. As a kid when you started to act up, your parents told you to practice gaman, forbearance. You thought it was cool to buy Japanese cars, but now buy cars manufactured by other countries to save money. Most non-Asian strangers think you are Chinese.

You like to visit or move to Hawaii because you feel at home with its large Asian (Japanese) population. You remember when the label “Made in Japan” was associated with cheap trinkets. You know that Masanori Murakami was the first Japan-born player to play in the major leagues. You know Lenn Sakata was the first JA to play in the major leagues. You think it’s cool that San Jose International Airport was named after former Transportation Secretary Norm Mineta. You try to avoid embarrassing situations by saying you are hazukashii (shy). Your relatives refer to you as being otonashi (reserved).

Your parents consider ochazuke (rice with tea) comfort food. Your aunt prepares a big batch of shrimp tempura to eat on the road after you visit her. You cringe when your non-JA friends think it’s funny that someone who is half-Japanese and half-Korean is called Kojap. You take strong offense when someone refers to Japanese as “Japs” but think it’s cute when they refer to them as “Nips.”

You remember actor Marlon Brando playing the character “Sakini” in “Teahouse of the August Moon,” and his frequent use of the phrase, “Socks fall down, boss.” You cringe at the sight of Marlon Brando having his eyes “fixed” to make him look Japanese in “Teahouse of the August Moon.” You were offended when actor Mickey Rooney was made up to look Japanese with big buck teeth in the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” You know some Caucasians who use the word “Jap” in front of your face and have no idea it is offensive to you. You are even more offended when Caucasian friends and colleagues don’t point out the word “Jap” is an offensive word to use when referring to Japanese people during a conversation.

You celebrate Bodhi Day and Hanamatsuri with your parents but really don’t know the significance of either. Your Dad beamed with pride when the Japanese ski jumpers swept the medals in the 1972 Olympic Winter Games in Hokkaido, Japan. You get along fine with Korean people even though they still think you are Japanese not American. Foreign born Asian people say you are married to an “American” if your wife/husband is Caucasian.

Your mother prepared sea bass as sashimi even though you have never seen it since in a Japanese restaurant or sushi bar. You remember embarrassing yourself when you performed as a kid on stage for a play at your Buddhist church. You hung out with your JA friends at the Buddhist church even though some of them were Christians. If you’re a JA Buddhist, you think Buddhists are better behaved than Christians. If you’re a JA Christian, you still think Buddhists are better behaved than Christians.

Some of your Caucasian friends had parents that were divorced but your parents still stuck together even if they hated each other for the sake of the kids. Your Caucasian co-worker complains that there are too many foreigners in his workplace even though many of them are third and fourth generation JA’s. You had a hard time keeping yourself from giggling with your friends when the bonsan (priest) in your Buddhist church started chanting. You thought Chinese girls were cuter than Japanese girls while your Chinese friend thought that Japanese girls were cuter than Chinese girls. Your Caucasian friend says he is not attracted to Japanese girls even though his girlfriend is Japanese. Your sister/brother is attracted to non-JA guys/girls even though she/he eventually marries a JA. Your sister/brother is attracted to JA guys/girls even though she/he eventually marries a non-JA.

Your non-Buddhist friends think it is cool when the funeral/memorial service for your dad/mom is held in a Buddhist church. You don’t think it’s cool when the funeral/memorial service for your dad/mom is held in a Buddhist church because you can’t stand the smell of the incense. You know that the Dalai Lama is not a “real” Buddhist. You find yourself reading “101 Ways to Tell If You’re JA.”