If you remember, every slight against you will eventually bow under their collective weight. Keeping another’s actions in the forefront of your mind, even with the fiction that you’re using them for motivation, grants the past power over your future. Rap feuds never end any better than did the Hatfield/ McCoy kerfuffle; as noble as your notions of personal respect seem to be, it’s time to turn the other cheek. This is a guide through the part of yourself that likes the warm glow of ill feelings.

Acknowledge your own self-worth: It is harder to forgive another than it is to bear a grudge. The anger sometimes feels good; righteousness can make us temporarily tough. Too bad that when the bravado goes away you are alone. Your mental health and sense of calm are worth the price of forgiveness. You do not have to equate forgiveness with letting someone getting off the hook. When you let go of your emotions everyone wins. This person with whom you’re angry came near to costing themselves your association; if they understand this, and are sincerely regretful, then chances are they’re not feeling any better than you are. 

Label the mistakes made as matters of taste rather than of character: It’s far too easy to adopt black and white thinking when someone’s hurt you very deeply. If you have fond memories, use them to give yourself a more realistic composite of the opposite party. You cannot readily forgive if you demonize the target in your heart.

Approach the other party: It’s easier to forgive when in a position of grace, and easier to attain that when you make the move. As difficult as it is for you to approach him or her, it might just be that difficult for them to get up the courage to approach you. Be the bigger person.

Leave the door open: Avoid validation and don’t think you’ll settle the original trifle, maybe ever. When the time comes, maybe you’ll be able to put paid to the issue, but don’t count on this and certainly don’t rush. What you absolutely should avoid is a back-and-forth argument where you’re both looking to validate your viewpoints. Aristotle’s Golden Mean tells us that rarely are we all right or all wrong. This is true, but regardless of its merit, people forget this and try to validate even the most inappropriate actions. Our brains do not want the cognitive dissonance of feeling like our behavior is bad.

Affirm your commitment to the relationship no matter it’s nature: If you were offended by a merchant for instance, you’d expect them to repay your forgiveness with a candid acknowledgment of the problem, as well as a restatement of their desire to repair the damage. Notice that the title of this article is “The Steps to Forgiveness” and not “The Steps to Forgetting.” People move in predictable patterns and it’s senseless to let them hurt you twice. The only thing worse than being made a sucker of multiple times, is erecting walls only to learn that you’re trapped on the inside of them.