The Curse of the Third Eye

(One of the benefits to self-analysis is that I can validate my own parking)

Maybe it’s just me.

Relatives, trying to be nice, tell me they would like to see my brain undergo a few tests. Nice people, nervously trying to edge toward the nearest exit, tell me I’m sick, but in a good way. Nervous people just walk away.

See, I have a condition. I’m either carrying around an extra gene, or missing one. I see and hear and watch the same things as you. But when I see and hear and watch them, I just seem to react differently.

Gift? Unlikely. Curse? Possibly. Covered by my health insurance plan? Hard to say.

Maybe it’s just me. I’ll let you judge. Witness:

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While waiting in line to vote, I noticed a sign on the door at the school. The sign said “Please keep this door closed at all times.”

At ALL times? Then why have a door?

Maybe it’s just me.

I grabbed my pen and, just above the warning, scribbled “ENTRANCE TO HELL.”

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I watched a plane take off. It was branded “ValueJet.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to fly with anybody named “ValueJet”. I want to fly with “Fully-Funded Money-Flush Able-To-Afford-Multiply-Redundant-Maintenance-Crews Airlines.”

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When former comedian Al Franken was elected to Congress, all I could think about was sitting Senator Dianne Feinstein. Eventually, there’s going to be a bill sponsored by them both. It’s just a matter of time. I don’t even care what the bill is about. I just want to hear them say it out loud:  the Franken-Feinstein bill.

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A home improvement store’s ad offered this painting advice: “For 2 coats, double the amount of paint.” You know, you just have to admire professionals at work. What a staggering display of mathematical acumen. And they shared such clever insights with us, the little people!

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A Facebook user alerted the world that she was making chicken salad, and that she “broke down 2 chickens.” She broke down two chickens? Does PETA know about this barnyard abuse? Were the chickens waterboarded? Were they even Mirandized?

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A local TV station was updating the community on snowstorm-based church closings. According to the crackerjack typists at the station, there was a church somewhere nearby called St. Martyer.

Imagine - an entire religious sect dedicated to turning people into Ernest Borgnine.

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At work, someone working on a project asked if they could import existing sites. “No,” I told them. “You can only import sites that don’t exist.”

Maybe it’s just me.

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During a heated televised debate in Texas, some genius pointed out that if we make pot legal, that would cut down on the illegal use of pot. Clever lad. You know, if we make murder legal, that might very well reduce the number of arrests for murder.

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A business owner told me he never comes in before 11.30am. So one day, I called him at noon. A staffer answered.

“He doesn’t come in until 11.30.”

“Okay. I’ll call back in an hour earlier than now.”

“Okay. Thanks, and have a nice day.”

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While installing some software, the next screen in the software wizard proclaimed, “Please press ‘Finish’ to continue.”

Continue? Then we’re not really finished yet, are we, darling?

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A small store in my home town offered this marketing tease: “Ears Pierced While You Wait!” Well, HOW ELSE? What are we supposed to do, drop off our ears and come back later?

[EW]  Hi, and thanks for calling Ear World!

[Me]  What?

[EW]  This is Ear World. Can I help you?

[Me]  WHAT?

[EW]  THIS IS EAR WORLD!

[Me]  Are my ears ready?

[EW]  What?

[Me]  WHAT?

[EW]  Sir, this is not funny.

[Me]  I don’t HAVE a bunny.

[EW]  What?

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I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.