“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  -Lao Tzu

Love, that stuff of which we all yearn in one way or another, cannot be earned. If it is earned, it is not love at all. While love may be difficult to define, we all know when we have it. It is not the stuff of “if you do this, then I will love”, it is the stuff that lets us know we are loved, not for what we do, but for who we are.

First, let’s look at what love is. One definition is “sexual passion or desire”, but this is not the type of love discussed here. This is one of passion or lust and is based on many factors. It is also often temporary. Love is also defined as: “1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person;  2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or friend; and 4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person.” 

These definitions help, but they still don’t go far enough. Love is more than a feeling. Love involves commitment; love involves pursuit; love involves something ethereal that cannot be defined in mere words. One thing we can know it is not, is something that is earned. This type of love, the kind that cannot be earned by us, is rare indeed.

For this writer, there is only one kind of love that we should attain to. That is the love of God for His people. His people could not earn His love. They didn’t need to. He loved them from the beginning, when he conceived of and created them. He loved them when they rejected Him. He loved them when they fell. He loved them.

Because He loved them, He gave His only Son, Jesus Christ, to pay for the sin they could not pay for. Romans 5:8 says, “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” He showed His love to those who did not deserve it and could not earn it. That is the ultimate, agape, type of love.

As humans, we are not so perfect. We may not intend to put limits on our love, but we often do, or give the appearance that we do. The majority of people love their children before they are born. They do whatever they can for them to give them a good life and wings to adulthood. They love them, no matter what. So why do so many children feel like they are not loved? We don’t intend for them to feel that way, but when we pressure them to perform certain ways, make certain grades, live a certain way, we tell them our love is limited and based on their performance.

People who feel unloved will often jump through hoops the rest of their lives looking for love in all the wrong places. It is important for us to understand that love cannot be earned. Either we love, or we do not love. It’s also important for us to make sure those we love do not equate our expectations with a desire for them to earn our love. As difficult as this task is, it is the only way to show real love to those we care about. Love and acceptance, even though acceptance does not mean liking everything they do or don’t do, come as a package. As people feel accepted, they feel loved. It is the way of the world.

“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.”  -Erich Fromm