If you’re a human being, you’ve been deeply hurt by someone. And you’ve wounded someone else, too. Each and every one of us has a personal agenda that will sometimes conflict with someone else’s. Offenses are inevitable in a world of six billion individuals.

You may be angry about the abuse you suffered, and are wondering if forgiving your abuser can really set your heart and mind at ease. Or you may be an abuser who now regrets hurting another and is desperate for forgiveness.

What are the steps to forgiveness?

The victim does this:

• Remember that you’ve done it, too. Everyone, including you, has bent the rules or broken the law at some point in their lives. You have intentionally and unintentionally hurt others. You require forgiveness sometimes, too. You are not a harmless snowflake. Always keep this in mind.

• Remember that we often choose to hurt others. The majority of people know the moral, familial, societal, and spiritual norms of their community by the age of ten. The schoolyard bully knows he’s not supposed to be throwing rocks at girls he likes – sorry Natasha – but he chooses to do it regardless.

• Remember that people hurt one another by accident or out of sheer ignorance. He probably didn’t forget your birthday on purpose – sorry Sarah.

• Decide if the offense is really as horrible as you feel about it. Get a second opinion from a trusted friend. Did someone fail to return your favorite mechanical pencil? Did someone abuse you as a child? Which boat should you spend more emotional energy in?

• Explore your memories and emotions. Write things down as you remember them. Did anyone help you? Did anyone side with your abuser(s)? Write down how you feel about everything and everyone involved, directly or indirectly, with the painful event.

• Prepare to confront* the abuser(s). Use friends, family, therapists, or anyone who can help support and guide you towards this goal.

• Confront* the abuser(s), but take some trusted friends or family along for safety’s sake, if required. Tell the abuser(s) what they did, what you experienced at the time, how you feel now, and what you reasonably expect them to do about it now.

Confrontation* is important for a few reasons. First, you have taken the initiative and are now in control. Second, as unlikely as it seems, they may be unaware of how much they hurt you. Third, they may actually feel bad about what they’ve done and try to make amends.

* If the victim is terrified of the abuser, or the abuser is a dangerous offender, there is little to no point in seeking reconciliation. If the victim’s a child, his or her safety ALWAYS override’s the abuser’s need for reconciliation.

The abuser(s) will ideally do this:

• Admit their offenses;

• Apologize and emote genuine remorse;

• Offer some sort of compensation, material or otherwise (it is, of course, impossible to offer compensation for offenses to the body or dignity of a person in cases of, say, child abuse);

• Make every effort to never re-offend and to change their ways.

Or the abuser(s) may simply regret that they were caught, by:

• Grudgingly admit to their offenses OR project the blame on someone else or their own dysfunctional upbringing OR redirect the blame back onto the victim;

• Unremorsefully apologize to save face;

• Surrender compensation only under familial, societal, or religious persuasion… but usually by force-of-law;

• Not re-offend for fear of being caught, but probably would if they could get away with it.

Or, the abuser(s):

• Will not admit anything;

• Will not apologize;

• Will only surrender compensation via force-of-law;

• Would positively love to hurt you again.

Depending on how the abuser reacts, the victim may decide to either:

• Forgive;

• Or not to forgive.

In essence, to forgive someone sets things aright between two parties again. They are almost back to where they should have been in the first place. This means that the abuser no longer carries the shame and guilt of his actions, and the victim no longer harbors ill feelings towards his or her abuser. Thoughts and emotions are a lot more complicated than this, and the relationship may never be exactly as either party expects it should be. But the relationship should at least be cordial if they see one another on the street.

However, the victim is under no obligation to forgive an unrepentant abuser. I’ll opine that it is impossible to forgive someone who’s not genuinely sorry. If you’re Christian, consider this: If even God Almighty can’t forgive the unrepentant, does he really expect you to do something He cannot?

I can hear some Christians tsk-tsking away.

“But Jesus taught us to forgive our enemies! He even forgave the men who nailed him to the Cross!”

Not so. He said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”. He asked His Father to do what He could not – perhaps with the hope that they might genuinely regret what they had done one day.

The problems with “forgiving” the unrepentant are manifold.

Forgiving unrepentant abuser(s):

• Teaches them that there are no negative repercussions to their offensive actions;

• Enables them to continue the abuse;

• May trick unsuspecting people into letting down their guard after they learn the victim’s “made peace” (especially forgiving them in front of, say, church congregations);

• Will probably up the stakes since no one’s blocking their destructive path.

The forgiving victims:

• End up being duped into thinking the abuser will change;

• End up blaming themselves for the abuse because putting the blame square on the shoulders of those that deserve it is “disruptive to family unity”, “un-Christian”, “unpatriotic”, etc;

• Churches and governments that encourage “Forgiveness” of this type often send abused children back into dangerous situations – the children are in no way “blessed” by this type of forgiveness;

• Adults end up staying in unfulfilling, stressful, dangerous relationships longer than they should - and their children suffer along with them.

Sadly, some people value family and social cohesion over justice. Abused children and adult victims often find themselves obligated by friends, family, church, and state to forgive people that don’t deserve it. The very people who ought to be affirming the victim’s pain end up instead “enabling” the abuser. Under this kind of pressure, the victim may forgive the abuser and everyone goes back pretending everything’s back to normal. But in no time, the abuser’s back to his/her old tricks again.

Abusers and their “enablers” always use the same trick: they turn the abuser into a victim and the victim into the abuser…

But that can be discussed in another article.