I remember at the funeral service, the minister spoke to the congregation, trying to explain why my brother would choose to end his own life.

The way he described it was that my brother was like a fish swimming in the stream minding its own business when it finds itself caught on a hook. The fish tries to struggle and fight to stay in the stream. The fisherman would reel the fish in a ways and then the fish would fight some more. On the struggle would proceed until the fish became exhausted. At which time it gives up and allows itself to be caught and hauled into the boat.

He went on to say that my brother didn’t want to be caught on that hook. He tried to put up a good fight, but in the end the fight was just too much for him. He really would have wanted to stay in this world but he was caught on a hook that he just couldn’t free himself from.

I remember the words of the minister because this was the first time that I was able to get some sense of understanding about what had happened. There have been many challenges in the nearly 18 years since his death. Grieving for a suicide victim is one of the most painful griefs one can suffer.

1) Difficulty talking about it. Nearly 20 years has passed and our family still doesn’t really speak of it. It is a bit like our private dirty little secret. If I mention to someone that I had a brother who died, I am reluctant to mention how. It leads to awkwardness and questions that I usually do not wish to share with others even after this much time. The rest of my family has a “hands off” policy. It is the one topic that no one ever wants to discuss.

2)Guilt and blame. There seems to always be plenty to go around. Everyone has their own “I wish I had….” or “If only I would have….” or “I’m sorry I …”. Forever I am stuck with a rude comment that I made that Christmas that my brother overheard. He died 16 days later and those hurtful words would be the last ones he heard from me. How stupid I was! Not that it changed the outcome, but that I would have left those as my last words. I was completely naive. It never crossed my mind that this was on the horizon. Those final words will haunt me forever and no logical explanation of don’t blame myself will ever make it not so. My entire family has their own versions of this excruciating truth.

3)An unhealing pain. It is a pain that cuts to the heart. My parents were absolutely devastated, my siblings went into various stages of depression, and anger. Some avoided the family all together. This was the roughest period in our family’s life. I don’t really know why except perhaps we avoided seeing each other because when we looked in each other’s eyes all we saw was him, and his pain and our lack of understanding as to what was going on in his mind. It is a pain that doesn’t go away. It is no longer a throbbing injury like I was stabbed in the heart, becoming more like a dull headache that receives no relief.

4)Moving on, moving forward. It is difficult when you have to suffer the first holidays, birthdays, graduations without this person as any loss would be. But when the death is from more natural causes, you are able to day “I wish_________ was here.” When suicide is the reason there is one less person at the table no one makes that kind of comment, because everyone is afraid to lower the happiness of the occasion. It is the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge.

5)Acceptance. The only way to survive losing a loved one to suicide is learning to accept. The serenity prayer is the best source to help with acceptance. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” When times were tough and grief, anger, guilt became overbearing, I referred to this prayer time and time again. When I would say the serenity prayer I could look at my grief and understand that I was crushing myself for something that I couldn’t change. It isn’t something that you understand once and it is over. I need the reminder of that prayer quite often, but it always brings me peace.

There is no way to encapsulate the challenges of grieving for a suicide victim in a simple list. The challenges began the day I took that fateful phone call and they continue with each day that passes. It is important for those who suffer a loss to suicide to know that they are not alone. There are so many of us that feel the pain too. The one good thing that came from this loss is that I can listen to others who suffer this loss, share their grief and say the prayer for serenity with them in hopes of easing their pain.