Apathy is the absence of emotion. It is the lack of interest for things that others find exciting. It is a feeling of indifference and impassiveness, of detachment from what is here and now.

I wonder if I am apathetic.

Perhaps I am. Because this is how I feel or not feel. Is it better to say I am unfeeling? Or is this lack of feeling a product of the “I don’t know… I don’t care so leave me alone” attitude? Perhaps I have been numbed by the ordeals of life that the attitude became “so what?” Because I have been so burned, hence, this is my way of defending myself, of keeping myself away from what it seems like an endless battle of emotions. I built a brick wall around me so that no entity can ever hurt me again?

All these questions.

The last couple of months (could have been years… who knows?), there is this big blah. This is related to that void. That emptiness. It seems like I don’t care anymore… about anything. Whatever I do are just perfunctory tasks. Nothing more. The routine motherly obligations, the work that pays the mortgage, yada-yada-yada. What else is there?

Just recently, one of my sisters’ house burned down. Luckily, neither she nor her husband were hurt. I got the message from another sister who also received it from another sister. (In case you wonder, I have four sisters).

My reaction to the news was the typical “oh my God!”. That was it. If I muttered anything that showed concern, it was superficial. Does that mean I don’t care?

But I do. I do care. It’s just that I didn’t feel overwhelmed or shocked with what happened.

I ask myself why. Could it be that perhaps I am holding some ill feelings towards my sister and her husband? Is it because I was tired and the bad news did not sink into me at that time? Over the next few days, my feelings didn’t change. Maybe because there was no feeling to change. It didn’t matter.

I feel detached. And this detachment seems to have dulled the essence of my character. It seems that my once compassionate attitude has turned into this disdainful aristocracy. I denounce altruism or any act of kindness. I do not see anything positive; I see only the unworthiness of a goal.

Does this mean I’m wicked? Does this put me in the category of the depraved because of my unrighteous behavior?

Wait. Stop right here.

How did this apathy turn into lewdness and dissipation? I am only trying to define what this blah is all about or where it is coming from. I shouldn’t exaggerate on my wrong-doings. (BTW… they are truly exaggerations).

So back we go to square one. Apathy.

How do I feel?

What do you mean how do I feel?

I feel nothing.