One of the wonderful benefits of midlife is the often surprising development of new perspectives that come along with the growth of wisdom. Both figuratively or literally, the idea of re-writing our own stories is a powerful exercise in the development of fresh new points of view. Stories are powerful. More often than not they move us from one point to another. We go from holding on to letting go, from confusion to clarity, from narrowness of vision to seeing new possibilities, from restlessness to peace (or from peace to restlessness!).

In her book New Passages, Gail Sheehy wrote that “an important part of the transformative work in middle lifeis to revise our own stories, forgiving the failures and composing our idealized selves with our real selves.” We learn to let go, to be more accepting of the things that probably won’t change both in ourselves and in those close to us, and hopefully we get better at accepting imperfection and becoming more forgiving .Often this exercise will lead to greater understanding of others, deeper compassion, and even new behaviors. Below are several stories from my years of work as a psychologist, often working with adults as they traverse the midlife years.

The Bigger Picture

There are at least three benefits to writing or re-writing our stories. At the very least, it provides a wonderful chance to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. This is what Mary did. A wonderful woman in her mid-life years, Mary wrote the story of her youth and the very difficult story of her alcohol abuse for over 10 years during her teens and twenties. She treasured the pages, even giving me a copy for safekeeping in my office. As she wrote and read and re-read her story, she became more and more clear about who she was and what her life looked like. Forgiveness, clarity and understanding emerged. From that point on, she was more able to move on and to work hard at fashioning a new life for herself. Mary continues to write and live her story in new ways. Her writing was calming and powerful.

A Different Point of View

Second, we can deepen our understanding of others and their thoughts and feelings. Try writing your story from the point of view of your mother or father, your brother or sister, or some other significant person in your life. Emma was a mid-life woman struggling with her self image. I encouraged her to go home and ask her family and friends to write something about how they saw her and what they liked about her. She returned with a broad smile, and a manila envelope full of notes and words that those close to her had written. She saved the excitement of reading them for our meeting. What fun it was to sit with her as she read such powerful and genuine affirmations. She left with new insights and reflections. This can be a significant exercise, stretching you into new ways of seeing yourself in the world!

Designing and Visioning

Finally, try writing new chapters. This is a great exercise in seeing new possibilities, and thinking about what life might look like if you allow yourself to intentionally move in a new direction. Kara did this with her vibrant collage. A very creative and expressive woman in her early 50’s, Kara told her story through pictures. Her youth and the first part of her adulthood were illustrated with cut out words and vibrant images on the left side of a large poster, and her goals and hopes and visions for the future filled up the right side. In the middle of the collage was a big fire, which she said represented the pain and the strength of the transition she experienced as she traveled the path from her past into the future. Kara was so energized by her creative vision, that she was inspired to work toward changes in her career, eventually leaving her 9 to 5 job to write and publish stories of her own! Re-writing in this way can be freeing and permission-granting.

What’s Next?

If you’re interested in taking the next step, there are endless ways to re-write your story. Of course there is actual writing. Journaling, poetry, memoir writing or even fiction. And if you’re a more visual person, try a timeline, craft a collage, or draw or paint a series of illustrations. One of my clients decorated a beautiful box with images which reflected her story, and the box became a special place for her to keep important mementos. My husband, who loves to drive and travel, took some time to “drive” through some of his story. He visited his nursery school, many special places of his youth, and spent some time on the Mohegan Reservation where his father’s family had roots. What a powerful journey, and what a wonderful way to see life in new ways!

Angeles Arrien talks about the “power of story:” “Stories are found in every culture of the world and are the oldest teaching tool we have. They are present at all rites of passage to provide a map of the tasks, challenges, tests and gifts we may face….And as is true in any universal story, we are not alone. We find many helping allies, as well as obstacles, unexpected gifts, and unforeseen circumstances that catalyze our growth and strip away what is unnecessary in our lives.”