There is no scarcity of stereotypes handed to the gay man of 21st Century Western Civilization. In the perceptions of many who do not identify as gay, there are de facto practices, mannerisms, and dress codes to which a gay men must subscribe. He must fit a socially constructed archetype lest he be deemed straight and forever interested in football, beer, and “chicks.”

The Western World has become so hell-bent on heteronormativity and conformity, that humans are channeled and prodded by society into a sea of bipolarity. Either we express ourselves as “society-me” in social settings – and for the sake of others, - or we are otherized. Ergo, we contain “true-me” in a tiny internal box until either we break into a crisis, come out (be it as gay or our true self in another expression) or live in a constant state of unhealthy suppression.

“Coming out” is dangerous for us all, because once society sees a change in our behavior, an immediate judgment is made, and we enter into a future of unknowns. Furthermore, coming out as our true self can simply put us in another category in the eyes of others. If we’ve been one person our entire life for fear of judgment, that identity can remain for others as our “true-me” even after we come out. When we are brave and honest, it’s seen in the eyes of others as rash or a psychotic break in need of fixing, instead of true self-expression. We are rushed into a paradox that is forced upon us early on in life. This is not unique to LGBT persons, but it especially strikes a nerve with those who belong to the worldwide LGBT community.

As we all know (but sometimes refuse to admit), stereotypes are often rooted in a degree of fact. To some ends, this aids us as humans in finding commonality and community in others. We can use them to gauge our potential chemistry with another person. However, stereotypes are a paramount cause of the suppression of self that causes us as humans to feel alone. While we are trying such an impossible thing as to be like everyone else, we have set ourselves up for a dangerous loss because we are each so obviously unique – too unique to truly blend in completely. This renders our efforts useless and unfulfilling.

As a gay man, I found myself for 18 years observing my heterosexual male counterparts in order to practice and imitate how to act straight, thereby perfecting my façade as a “straight” man. Stereotypes caused me to stop talking with my hands, deepen and monotone my voice, stop singing, play basketball and football, listen to rap music, hunt, find friends in men with whom I had nothing in common, and eventually date women. After all, if I hadn’t done all these things, if I had bravely expressed “true-me,” I would have been shoved into lockers and verbally harassed more so than I already had been. If I had been “true-me,” I would have been gay. And that was just not OK. This realization became quite dangerous for me when I turned 16 and realized I certainly could not go on pretending forever, but had no idea how I would logistically come out. In the same way, this is dangerous for every person who suppresses his true self for the sake of conforming to societal norms and expectations.

As much as I myself do belong to the sect within the gay community that loves theatre, listens to Beyoncé, enjoys nice, expensive clothing, and talks with his hands, there is just as much of myself that does not belong to that sect. When put to the test, this “sect” does not exist.

As much as the aforementioned characteristics do pertain to me, I also belong to a sect of the gay community that most of society would unfortunately not understand to pertain to me as a gay man. I am a Christian, love cars; I enjoy watching baseball, and grew up on a farm. I work out, I have straight, male friends, and I like action movies. This is why stereotypes become so dangerous – not only to those who try out of fear to fit into them, but also to those who work so hard to perpetuate them.

Once I stop fitting into the mold that society set for me as a gay man before I was even conceived, everything comes crashing down and society doesn’t know what to do with me. Furthermore, once I, a semi-effeminate gay man, break that stereotype, what to do with the gay lumberjacks, truck drivers, professional athletes?

So many people who resist the LGBT rights movement in this nation try so desperately to brush us “mold breakers” under the rug or deem us outliers. They try to rigorously redefine us until we become a topic of debate instead of a colorful and wonderful group of human beings. They need their stereotypes to discredit the wholesomeness and normalcy of the majority of gay men. The question that begs to be answered - and must continuously be begged – is why continue to protect a stereotype that is so obviously inaccurate?

It seems obvious to me that if something does not exist, people cannot be forever fooled into believing that it does. It is apparent that Americans are tuning in to realize that we, the LGBT community, cannot be defined. We’re Black and White; we’re male and female; we’re slave and free; we’re homeless and CEOs; we’re Christian and Buddhist and Atheist. But by being stereotyped we are marginalized, oppressed, violated, and closeted.

For every openly gay person I have met in my life, I have met 3 who were not. I know LGBT teens that have committed suicide. I know others who have participated in “ex-gay” ministries and who profess to be “struggling with same-sex attraction.” I know even more who participate in Pride parades and work for gay rights organizations nationwide. Each gay person is a unique individual who needs not definition, but acceptance into society.

Why must it be that every human we meet has to immediately be defined and conditioned to be what society wants want him to be? What if that isn’t really who he is? What becomes the purpose of stereotyping in the first place? What we should see when we look at someone is a person. What we learn about her from years of relationship is how to define her. The way to dismantle stereotypes in society and in our own minds is to enter into a relationship with those whom we don’t personally know or understand.

Extreme stereotype assignment is a direct product of ignorance of our fellow humankind. Once we spend time with those unlike us, we learn how much we’re all quite the same and simultaneously quite different. This is only possible because of an intricate web of likeness and clash that is uniquely weaved into each one of us at random.

Until we understand that stereotypes cannot be applied to humans and are inherently damaging, we will continue to marginalize minorities in society. The only option we have is to learn about each other, while bearing with our fellow (wo)man in love and patience, until we no longer feel the need to stereotype.