Being from a small town, the question of “how much do you make?” used to seem innocuous enough. It was only after living in the city for a few years that, upon returning to my hometown for visits, being confronted with this loaded question began to feel awkward and uncomfortable, almost like an interrogation was taking place or like a cultural taboo had been broken. Of course, the taboo of discussing income is a very common one and, in my opinion, with good reason!

Even when the reason for the question is innocent enough (such as curiosity about a person’s job), there is often no real way to determine the motivation behind asking it, and it can come across as a challenge. Living in a society based on capitalism means that one of our measures of success involves our paychecks, so the question can feel like a measurement or a challenge (along the lines of “do you make more money than me?” “Which of us is more successful?” “Should I feel intimidated or should I feel superior?”). It is kind of like the modern-day version of our ancestors on the plains sizing up their opponent to see who is stronger, and that kind of competition doesn’t make for a pleasant conversation!

The next problem is that the answer to the question, whether lower or higher than the number on the asker’s own paycheck, can be problematic either way, so you really can’t win. If lower, the asker may feel smug enough (which they then must hide, hopefully anyways) but the answerer may feel worried, competitive, or embarrassed. If higher, the asker may feel threatened or embarrassed themselves (which can often be picked up by their body language and resulting comments). Either way, it leads to an awkward social situation that could easily be avoided.

This potentially-awkward exchange can become even more so when you throw gender into the mix. For one, it is only in recent decades that women have taken a place in the workforce where they have opportunities to match and exceed the earnings of men, competing on equal footing. However, there are still some men who embrace traditional gender roles (ie) “man as breadwinner”) and who would feel quite uncomfortable upon meeting a woman who makes more money than they do. With the current opportunities that women now have, these men are bound to come across such women, so going around asking that question is probably a bad idea considering how they may feel at hearing the answer!

Another side to the gender aspect is that since these changes are recent, there are still women who, as unfortunate as it is to the feminists among us and to men seeking to be evaluated on their merit rather than their paychecks, still consider a man’s income as a major deciding factor in how desirable he is. It is because of this that a woman asking a man the question of “how much do you make” can send a very bad message, especially if both are single! It again may be construed as a measurement or evaluation (“do you make enough for me to consider you as a potential date…?”, “could you afford a nice lifestyle for us”, “how nice will my presents and dinners be…”), and risks making the woman appear shallow and dependent. Whether or not that message is intended, why risk such an awkward misunderstanding that it can so easily arise based on the traditional beliefs of the past?

With today’s greater access to information, especially the Internet, there is really no legitimate reason for asking someone’s income. If you’re really curious about the person’s job - perhaps thinking of moving into that area yourself or perhaps (if you just can’t help yourself!) out of sheer curiosity about the other’s income - Google the job to find out its typical pay rates. At least this avoids all the awkwardness that can arise from such a question in a face-to-face situation.

So how do you handle the question gracefully when it is thrown in your direction? Having been subjected to it enough in my hometown visits I hopefully can provide some advice. Be coy and humorous and shrug it off! I like to say things like “I make enough…” or “No complaints…” then change the subject to a less contentious one. This lets the other person make their own decision and they will most likely come to the conclusion that makes them the most comfortable. I believe this is the best tactic and it has worked for me well so far.

Discussions about income have the potential to become awkward for a number of different reasons, and it is likely because of this that it has come to be a taboo topic in many parts of our societies. Anytime you are unsure whether it is appropriate, the safest approach is simply to avoid it and stick to more safe and neutral topics of conversation. It can save a lot of awkwardness for all involved.