I would like to announce to the world that I am a heavy proponent of the Constitution of the United States of America, the Bill of Rights, and most laws of our splendid nation. Amendment One states, “Congress shall make no law abridging the right of the people to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” Luckily, the guys in charge brought the government down a notch on the almighty measuring stick. Unfortunately, they didn’t set enough guidelines down for the people.

Actually, there are too many guidelines (read “laws”). Who is to say that I can’t drive down city streets like I’m on the Autobahn? Who is to say I can’t go out and kill the jerk who mowed down the love of my life? Who is to say that I can’t do anything that I want to? Well, to be honest, a lot of people say all of that.

But hey, I’m not one of those people, so I will continue to create my own laws in my own little world of psychosis and legal over-the-counter substances, like maple syrup and fruit gushers.

Returning to the point, I am very fond of the previously stated piece of Amendment One, but it targets the wrong thing. Who cares about a person’s grievances against the government, unless they’re mine and I can get something out of it? As an American, I expect the government to screw me over at least some of the time but not all of the time. The government is not the enemy, assuming it isn’t a liberal government. Wait…oh…it’s a good thing this isn’t a politically based writing. No, it really isn’t.

The real enemy is the people. Worry not, I will delve into further detail on this subject soon. But first, I propose a new amendment to the Bill of Rights. No, it cannot be Amendment Twenty-Eight because numbers are old news. I propose that this amendment be called Amendment “What Moron Forgot This One?”

And it shall state, “Congress shall make no law abridging the right of the intellectuals to petition the People for a redress of grievances.” Sounds vague, doesn’t it? Not to worry, there are footnotes for this amendment. Intellectuals are defined as “any individual with an intelligence quota above one-hundred and twenty”, the People is defined as “any individual with an intelligence quota below one-hundred and twenty”, and redress is defined as either “execution” or “eternal rounds of electroshock therapy”. What about grievances?

Well, my fellow Americans and illegal immigrants, grievances span a lot of ground that may take an entire novel to cover. Oh wait, isn’t that what this is? Bingo. Here’s a small summary for the uneducated (read “ninety percent of readers”):

I demand a redress for the grievances that the average twenty-first century American has inflicted upon this graceful nation. Yes, I am referring to the average intelligence-challenged, weak-minded, time-wasting, excuse-making, life-wasting American. Of course, the previous type of person can simply be read as, “pitiful sub-human form, deserving nothing more than death and destruction.”

Listen up! If you fall into Amendment WMFTO - as I like to call it - under “People,” then you receive no amount of pity and deserve absolutely nothing. You, the scourge of today and tomorrow, will soon be a dying cause. One day, everyone around you will smarten up and begin to exterminate your useless existence. Until then, I’m making my own law, “Law WMFTO,” which states, “If you do anything mentioned in the following pages of this book, then I have the constitutional right to do you bodily harm.”