“Flattery will get you everywhere” or so the adage goes. Most of us know people who use flattery to get the things that they want from others. Sometimes flattery is obvious, other times we are left wondering if a compliment we receive is sincere or just a means to an end. How can you know the difference between flattery and sincere appreciation? We all need positive reinforcement at times, whether in regard to our appearance, the way we do our job or how we raise our children. It’s encouraging to hear sincere appreciation for the person we are. It builds our confidence to know that we have been noticed, and approved of, by someone else. Yet, sometimes those compliments are nothing more than flattery, a form of emotional manipulation used by the flatterers for their own personal gain. At times it’s difficult to distinguish between an honest compliment and flattery, but it becomes easier when you remember these few tips.

First, consider the source and surrounding circumstance of the compliment. For instance, your family and close friends are relatively easy to read in regard to sincerity. After all, these are the people you know quite well. You know their communication style, and whether they are prone to flattery when they interact with others. Praise from your spouse or your children might make you feel good and happy that all the things you do are not taken for granted. But that praise can often be just a routine reaction to your expectations, given by rote, perhaps not insincere, but distractedly and vaguely expressed. Extraordinary kudos often occur when family members want extraordinary privileges, such as staying up late for your child, or a golf outing for your husband. In these circumstances, with the people you know so well, it is fairly easy to discern when you are simply being sweet-talked or if your efforts really are sincerely appreciated.

When you are complimented by a coworker or casual acquaintance, knowing the difference between sincerity and flattery becomes more challenging. Body language and facial expressions can be an excellent indication of someone’s earnestness. A comment like “you look nice today” doesn’t mean much if the person complimenting you does not stand still long enough to really look at you or even hear your “thank you”. Someone who honestly appreciates the way you look will slow down long enough to get your attention by at least giving you eye contact, if only briefly. A sincere compliment will be accompanied by a relaxed smile or a friendly pat on the shoulder or arm. Being aware of what the other person’s body language is saying will help you know if their appreciation is authentic or if it is only PR.

When you are being complimented, be sure to really listen to the words that the other person is using. The verbal language of the admiring comment can be significant. For instance, a generic “good job” does not always express genuine appreciation, but a more detailed comment, such as “you really worked hard on this, good work” indicates that your effort really has been noticed and the result is truly valued. An acquaintance who says “I like your outfit” may be using flattery to make conversation, or just wants to be liked by you. But the one who gives a more specific compliment like “the color of your dress really suits you” has probably noticed something special about your appearance that day and is sincerely expressing their admiration.

Though it isn’t always easy to distinguish between flattery and sincere appreciation, objectively observing body language and heeding the verbal clues given by your admirer will give you the discernment you need to tell the difference.