Don’t laugh. Don’t get disgusted, and don’t stop reading (yet). Many of you will go to (or have already ended up at) a (female) strip club. This writer has assuredly been to the best and worst. She has attended more than a young, straight girl should and have made some observations with a few general rules of thumb for the mature strip club attendee.

Dancers work to support themselves

Of course, it’s not the ballet, but don’t assume they’re all pill-popping, disease-ridden harlots. Some are paying for their education or supporting their children. They’re people, and should be treated with respect regardless of what they do for a living (side note: This writer spotted a dancer from the week prior sitting a few seats down from her at the opera). Don’t tag them with derogatory names unless they’ve proved themselves to be mean, old hags.

Tip them

This may seem like common sense, but not to everyone. This writer has a crafty friend who invented a ‘how-to-not-tip-a-stripper look.’ It involves pretending you are mentally challenged. Please, never do this. Dancers are there for your entertainment, which isn’t an easy job. If you tip bartenders who effortlessly open bottles for you, give a dancer some money. She’ll give you a little attention and then go away. If you want more attention, give her more money. This is a simple concept that need not be explained. It’s insulting if you don’t tip, and some dancers only get paid from gratuity. Be sure to use paper money, not change; doing so will probably get you spit on and removed from the premises.

Don’t touch the dancers

If they want to touch you, they will do so, appropriately. This rule can get you thrown out fast if you go a little heavy on the sauce and forget to adhere to it.

Don’t purchase lap dances (lappies’) for those who do not want them

Dancers on stage don’t seem real until it gets personal, and that makes some people uncomfortable. Just because it’s Cousin Timmy’s bachelor party doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a sweaty dancer’s chest in his face. If he isn’t into it, chances are the dancer probably won’t be either (but she will pretend she’s enjoying it because you gave her money). Another side note: do not ask for a stripper’s phone number. She’s not looking for a LTR with some drunk who paid to see her naked. Check the missed connections’ section of the personals sometime. There are many lonely souls who should use this advice.

Do not take photographs at strip clubs

This could also get you hurt. This writer got away with it a couple of times, but that’s different. ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’

If you find yourself at a strip club, please keep this advice in mind. It could save you from losing money, being injured, or the destruction of your ego when a dancer rejects your advances. Take it from a real lady.