Dear Odin,

You have been called god of war, bringer of victory, eternal trickster, and entertainer of the einherjar. You have mighty and fearsome valkyries at your disposal, and in many Norse sagas, you hurl your spear Gungnir, that always hits and always slays those whom you target.

You are indeed the mightiest god of the Norse pantheon, and your worshippers are true and faithful.

However, you are about to have your viking bottom served up to you with a plate of humus and olives.

Sure, you led the Swedish to victory in the Battle of Lena in 1208, but you’re up against a guy who blasted someone apart with a thunderbolt for mimicking him. That’s right, there wasn’t much of a conflict, Zeus just pulled one of the most destructive forces of nature out of the sky and used it as a spear against Salmoneus who was just running about in a chariot that looked like Zeus’s. The poor guy wasn’t even going toe-to-toe with him…like you’re going to do.

You should probably do some weights.

Sure, you “cast down” a frost giant, and I’m sure you did, and I’m sure Y’mir was one tough cookie and you broke a sweat and everything. Zeus, however, not only single-handedly defeated the entire tribe of the Telchines, who were either incredibly powerful wizards or actual gods, but then sunk them beneath the sea…forever.

You should probably learn to swim.

Sure, you have your infamous spear Gungnir, a big shiny thing that never misses, but y’know what Zeus is packing? The very power of the sky itself. How do you fight someone who can literally throw lightning?

You should probably visit a forge.

Sure, your deeds were bold and noble and brave during the Aesir-Vanir war, ultimately you triumphed and became head of a pantheon of your very own gods. I’m afraid that Zeus, however, was not only also instrumental in the Olympian’s victory over the Titans, but he was fighting against and ended up defeating his own father. That’s right, Zeus slashed Cronos’ stomach wide open to rescue his brothers and sisters imprisoned inside the old god’s gut. I guess we can thank him for the story of Oedipus, not to mention Star Wars…

You should probably perform an act of mind-staggering heroism. Quickly.

So, Odin, old boy, I’m afraid you’re simply outmatched, here. Good luck marching that eight-legged horse of yours into battle against the King of Gods. Say, didn’t Loki give you that horse? Loki the infamous trickster god? Uh huh…

…godspeed, eh.

Yours sincerely